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| Situation | Instead of saying this … | … consider saying this: | The reason |
| Death of a loved one | “She is in a better place” or “It was God’s will.” | “I am so sorry for your loss. Please know how much I care about you and how much I am going to miss her.” | Don’t minimize a person’s grief by attempting to add a silver lining to death. It’s better to acknowledge a person’s pain and the loss he or she is experiencing. |
| | “You’ve been sad for weeks; it’s time to move on.” | “I am here to listen if you want to talk.” | Listening is one of the best things you can do to support a person during the often lengthy grieving process. |
| | “I know what you're going through.” | “I am here for you. Please let me know what I can do to help you.” | Don’t assume to know what a grieving person is feeling, even if you too have mourned the death of a loved one. Instead, extend a helping hand and let the person know you are there. |
| Miscarriage | “Don’t worry. You’ll get pregnant again or you can always adopt.” | “I am so sorry for your loss.” | Attempting to put a positive spin on things after a miscarriage can make the grieving person feel isolated and alone. It’s better to simply acknowledge theperson’s loss. |
| | “You were only three weeks pregnant.” | “My thoughts are with you during this sad time.” | Don’t minimize the pain that results from a lost pregnancy. Even if a miscarriage happens only a few weeks after conception, the ensuing grief can be enormous. |
| Divorce or end of a relationship | “I never liked him anyway.” | “I am so sorry this has happened to you.” | Instead of minimizing the breakup, acknowledge the magnitude of the loss. |
| | “But I thought you two were such a great couple.” | “Please know that I am here for you in any way that you may need.” | Rather than making the loss about you and your feelings, offer to help the grieving person in any way possible. |
| Loss of a pet | “It was just a cat.” | “I know how much you loved your cat. I am so sorry you lost her.” | Losing a pet is akin to losing a member of the family for many people. Acknowledging the magnitude of the loss is important. |
| | “Why don’t you get another dog?” | “Samson was a great dog. I’m going to miss him, too.” | Be sensitive to the fact that it can take months—and even years—before a person who has lost a pet is ready to adopt a new one. |
| —C.M. |
